English Commodity

I've been looking into teaching English and it turns out the whole enterprise of teaching English is run by the TEFL guys. I have looked at 3 different books, got a pdf file emailed to me about teaching English and they all say 'get a TEFL', which I think classes them as a monopoly, which Microsoft has been fined for in the past. Honestly, I want to just get on and teach without paying out for a qualification, but I wouldn't know where to start. Example, if somebody asked me 'Herro, Lyan. Can Yoou Learn Me Engrish' I wouldn't know where to start, well, I'd start by saying 'my name is 'Ryan', not 'Lyan'' but after that I'd be stuck. I have found a place online that could aid me with my lack of teaching experience without having to awkwardly talk face to face with a person, however I'm not sure I trust them.

And neither does Windows

It's a company that offers online instruction to Japanese students studying English. The idea is they submit some English writing and I exercise my grammar Nazi skills to help them learn English. It's win win, I get some teaching experience and some Japanese guy learns how to write 'I cleaned my whole house' properly.

If I wish to go through with it I have to pass a 'test', nothing too tricky, just prove I can speak English better than they can, which most children above the age of 5 can probably do.

The whole thing seems remarkably easy, but the quality of their Engrish emails is probably what made Windows suspicious of them. Here's a couple of samples from an English teaching company's email to a prospective English instructor.

NOTE:YOU DO NOT PASS THE TEST IF YOU DID NOT FOLLOW OUR TEXT  CORRECTION PROCESS CORRECTLY REGARDLESS OF YOUR CORRECTION SKILL.
So please watch our Work process video(moving screen) before you take the test.
 Am I the only one who thought of the Saw movies(moving pictures) after that first line?

IDIY offers online English text correction service for Japanese customers.
I hope you'd enjoy interact with them through teaching English.Google Translate still needs some work.

We will contact you within 10days (of our business hour) if you are selected to
take the next step/recruitment test.
I'm sorry to inform you that if you did not hear from us within 10days
(of our business hour) which means you did not get selected.

In Japan they are so efficient that they have one hour, which lasts ten days.

I'll do their 'Test' but if it starts asking for bank account details and Western Union deposits then I may just give up on the whole idea, do a TEFL and gamble on getting a teaching job somewhere in the world. Or I'll just carry on delivering sandwiches in Auckland.

The Return Of An Idea

Before I even thought about going to Australia last year I had a dream...

...cast

Well, it was less of a dream and more of an idea brought on by a good buddy teaching English in Japan for a year. Yes, I intended to do the same thing, but then that plan got Fukushima'd up by an earthquake and the Japanese government getting all shifty about the integrity of their nuclear reactors and the rest of the world knowing Japan wasn't being too honest so advising to not go to Japan unless you're up for coming back with no hair.

Or stomped on, either way it wasn't a good idea.

 But now I'm thinking teaching English is worth doing, but first I need a qualification, which costs money, which sucks. But I'm definitely going to seriously look into it because then I'll unlock a whole new avenue of employment opportunities. A bonus is I can already speak English, which is really handy, another bonus is that a TEFL course is an internationally recognised certificate (like my CompTIA A+  desktop IT support thing that I haven't had to use, ever) or at least I think it is, more research is required on the subject methinks.

Meanwhile I took some photos the other night, so, here they are

This was on the bottom of a wall just above the grass and mud, which seemed odd because, well, why bother putting it there? Unless it's intended to be read by the dogs that are not allowed there?

Apparently Satan made this.

Right, I'm done for now. Not much going on but the teaching avenue may be one worth going down, we'll see. Until then, stay cool!

Applying Myself

I'm applying for jobs, but you already knew that. The call centre that I haven't been back to since my first day keep emailing me, once for my bank details (legit) and now an 'induction kit', so it's clear my absence has been noticed.

On the application front I applied for a job at Jucy Rentals, I didn't get the job, I know because I have already received an email saying so. The application process consisted of an over the top survey that took ages, but the questions allowed me to find out a little about myself. For example, if there is a stripper at a birthday party I will get a front row seat, my favourite type of dog is one that is mischievous and makes me laugh plus I wouldn't comment on the state of your room, because I'm not your mother.

I also have a bit more information about the mysterious textile company. They're based in Ontario, Canada and it's probably a scam...

Our company Lincoln Fabrics&Textile®, is a
company based in St Catherine Ontario Canada, and we are specialist in
textile and fabric materials.We have volunteer to give out training to
all our newly employee staff,We need regional representatives to help
dispatch service in terms of Account Payable and Receivable to our
customers in the United Kingdom,United State,Australia,New Zealand and
within Canada whom will be in charge of payment/document from our
clients/customers in your locality. Most of our customers pay
through,Cheques,Email Money Transfer(Interac) and Credit Card
Transfer.This brings our quest to employ credible and trustworthy
individuals as our representatives to handle our transactions/Funds.

There's the opening paragraph of their email, all I could read was 'scam scam scam scam scam engrish scam scam'. I think I first realised it was a scam when they said 'We have volunteer to give out training to all our newly employee staff,' it's English, but not as we know it, maybe they're French Canadians?

So that's a dead end, unlike my new Russian girlfriend who I haven't replied to but is already way too clingy...

"Oh God Ryan, you think I'm fat! You're saying I'm fat aren't you?! Mudak!!"

At least I have another picture of her, maybe I can put them on my iPod and brag about my new girlfriend from Russia. Maybe I should reply, but how? She wants a picture of me, of course, I should totally send her one.

Here's one of me, just hanging out.

Russian girls don't know I'm not Jason Statham, right? 

So I'm going to look at more jobs, apply for some of them and hope for the best. Or I might just think up elaborate situations and imagine how Jason Statham would handle them, like if a Russian girl emailed you because she was totally being held hostage by Vladimir Putin...

Obviously I'd be 'Putin' a bullet in his head!

YEAH!

Work sucks, I know.

She left me roses by the stairs, surprises let me know she cares...

It's Thursday, I'm looking and applying for jobs, that's about it. I've also posted another ad on Gumtree, but this one was a tad more aggressive because I'm a bit fed up of working for crappy companies that pose no challenge or valuable experience that I can take to other jobs. Of course the experience would be of use if I made my own bun running company.

Pictured: A terrible idea

I already have a reply to my Gumtree advert from a textile company called Lincoln Fabrics or something, though the reply was vague so it's probably a money laundering scam again. But I have applied for a couple of advertised jobs, I won't jinx it but they would be much better than the sandwich selling and meat promoting that are taking up space on my CV.

I have also received another 'foreign lady seeking good man, definitely not a scam, honest' email. This time from a girl who is less about the 'posting pictures of her arse' and more about the 'emailing two pictures of her face and a wall of text'

Correspondence, she can spell that but chooses to abbreviate 'international'?

 "I found you somewhere on the net. I don't remember which one it was." There is more than one internet? I like how both pictures give a glimpse into her residence, the one on the left is in the bathroom and on the right is the bedroom, so she lives in better conditions than me, she also has a Louis Vuitton bag, which means she's probably an idiot (in case the language skills didn't already suggest that). Of course she says she is trying to improve her English, which is nice. The email ends with 'her' aspirations of meeting the right man (her 'prince' as she puts it)

I don't get what she means.

Then the final line, "Please write me back! I will be checking it often. I hope I'm your type of girl, I'm not sure.... but....!! I hope so!"
I don't know what she'll be checking, maybe I should ask if she's seen a doctor about her troublesome 'it'. She hopes she is my type of girl, I have been asked before what my type of girl is, of course I am a complicated man with many aspirations and ideals of my own and so my 'type' reflects that,

Yep, she sounds perfect.

The whole plan falls flat when she mentions trying to find a job, I have enough trouble finding a decent job without some Russian girl adding to the competition, so she can just stay in that con man's imagination, sorry, I mean 'Russia'.

And that's the news. To summarise, I'm looking for a better job and getting Russian con-men emailing me pictures of a girl's face in different rooms. It's all go here!

PS: What kind of email address is 'belayaptichka1'? Apparently it translates to 'белая птичка' which is Russian for 'White Bird', which totally sounds like a KGB code name.

"Da, comrade, the white bird flies south in October"

Of Students and Rejections

Saturday night I went to a gathering with a few students, drank vodka, ate dumplings and didn't get home 'til near sunrise. The latter is a bit of a blur but I do remember having a laugh and hanging over on the following Sunday, so it must have been good. It's been a while since I've been in a situation where you're not forced to have fun like with those organised backpacker nights, where some twerp with a megaphone tells people to shout things in unison and move to the next bar and play games and all that.

Since then I've stuck with the sandwich job and last night I started my call centre job... And it's terrible.

The set up is basically a few desks and about 30 young folks (mostly students) each with an old laptop and a phone, the noise is bad enough that I have to cover my other ear just to hear the customer and my own voice and the whole thing feels like a scam that could be shut down by the fraud squad at any point.

I'm selling double glazing, (sorry, free consultations), with the power of cold calling tele-sales (the power to call strangers during dinner). But it's ok, I'm still me, except I'm doing sales jobs, which is bloody awful, the conditions are fine and the hours work out but I haven't been rejected this much since I was at secondary school.

The issues with the new job is the fact it's a job I have never wanted to do but thought 'well, I'll see how it goes'. Cold calling half of Auckland fishing for a lead is not enjoyable, even less so when you find out 6 sales or less means you have to come in for 'training' an hour early the next day. I got 4, but because it was my first day I'm going to go ahead and not go in an hour early, plus I had an hour training yesterday to be shown the 'booking system' (Google calendar) and play minesweeper for the rest of the hour, great training guys. The training was so good that I didn't see the script until 30 seconds before I had to start calling people. Fortunately I can read, so it wasn't a problem, but I immediately felt expendable, just another employee who will probably leave soon so don't spend too much time explaining how to do the job well.

There is another thing that I noticed, the guys running it are not the kind of people I want to work for. There is one (the guy who looks like Gil from The Simpsons) who is a salesman and that is the easiest way to describe him, the kind you are imagining right now, cheap suit, glasses, bad /receding hair and an arrogance that seems unjustified. the worst part was a moment when I was trying to secure an appointment and the guy started singing something loud enough that the customer asked why is there singing in the background. It's all very unprofessional which doesn't inspire confidence, so today I'm going to make sure they have my account details because I really don't trust these guys. Then I'll quit as soon as I get paid, so they were right if they thought I was just another employee that will leave soon.

So after all that I went back to the hostel for a cup of tea and a couple of Father Teds (including my favourite, series 2 episode 5) and decided that I'm not too old to party with students, but I am too old to work in a call centre with them. I'm looking for a different job now, even looking outside of Auckland, so you never know, I might be heading out of here soon to visit pastures new.

Speaking of pastures, here is the best song divine comedy ever did, from the year 1996, taken from one of my favourite Father Teds... it's My Lovely Horse!

That lightened the tone of this post somewhat. I also received an email today where some girl is looking for her boyfriend, but for some reason sent me an 'individual image' of her own backside, which gives me no incentive to help find her boyfriend, if anything it makes me care even less about her loss of a boyfriend.

I like the philosophical question, I mean, does anybody 'really' enjoy individual image? It's such a deep question that I don't understand it.

I'm going to look for new jobs now, until I have to go back to the call centre for another four hours of fun times, seriously, if anybody ever offers you call centre work slap them as hard as you can, those guys deserve it.

"Get a career in sales by joining our growi..."*SLAPPED*

Double Part Timer

Today I went to work, the usual 8:30 to 13:00 sandwich delivery job that we've all dreamed of doing,

It's that dream job you didn't even consider.

Then, after work, I watched an episode of my newest addiction, Homeland, which I got from a guy at the hostel along with a few films and every episode of Father Ted!

MFW I got all the Father Teds!

So that's the 'work in the morning/no money' entertainment sorted for a while, but seriously, Homeland is really good, although I've only watched 2 episodes.

After I watched some Homeland, (which is really good if you haven't seen it, not much violence but plenty of sauce) I went to a job interview, of sorts. Like many of my recent 'interviews' it was an informal group interview where (as long as you're not a complete idiot) you have already got the job and it is up to you to lose it next week when they realise that if they'd interviewed you individually they would have realised you're not too good at speaking on a phone. Of course, my telephone skills are second only to my 'not failing an interview' skills, which have been exercised well over the past year (even if I haven't had a proper 'one to one' interview since leaving England)

The hardest interview I ever had was convincing the woman at the job centre I had definitely been looking for work the past fortnight.

The 'interview' was odd. We basically sat around a desk in an office that looked like the business equivalent of a squat (they are relocating soon, apparently) with a laptop from 1995 in front of each of the ten of us. A man, who was obviously a sales man, not a skinny gent, with wet look gel combed back and (for some reason) a pair of sunglasses hanging from his top shirt button. He actually reminded me of Jeremy Beadle, a bit, he had similar eyes, I think?

Yep, definitely the same eyes.

But then he spoke and it all went a bit David Brent

But we were in for a treat, as after we read a script to prove we could read English (I guess?) we were introduced to Aaron, who looked a bit like a real life version of Gill from the Simpsons (the failed salesman) but had a way of selling like the Volcano Insurance guy from Family Guy (who sells stuff to idiots). He kept saying he 'always wins' which suggests he is a nightmare to live with,

I FINISHED DINNER FIRST, BECAUSE I ALWAYS WIN!

 It was, weird. We practiced 'closing the deal' but that Aaron guy had taken so long to tell us how he 'wins' by closing fictional deals in various ways that we didn't actually get to prove we knew how to 'close' (which is sales speak for 'booked a free appointment for subsidised insulation'). In fact, I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm promoting, it's something to do with insulation that the government or somebody subsidises, there is also double glazing that is 3% clearer than regular glass and 15% stronger.

Which means you have to throw people 15% harder

I know I am not 'selling', well, not really, I'm the prelude to the salesman. I basically call up, get told to 'f-off, you egg' (presumably), repeat until somebody wants to have some government funded double glazing or whatever, then arrange a time for a free assessment, then let the assessor deal with the sale whilst I sit back and take the $3 commission, simple. 16 hours a week, $15 an hour base rate.

Pictured: $15 per hour, all spent on lighting and makeup.

I like to think my blog inspires people to travel and watch Homeland, but also to give then a bit of hope in these times of high unemployment. So for those who can't get a job, you can, I have two, all you have to do is browse the job section of a website and apply for anything and everything, then hope for a group interview and BAM! You got yourself a job and another employer for your CV.

Pictured: My CV, no two jobs the same.

A Quick Post

I'm on Instagram now, look for RyanTL85, I'll eventually get around to uploading some of my favourite images from my travels, so follow me!

Shameless plug out the way, I got a phone call today from a guy offering an interview for the evening call centre job, it's only about 16 hours a week but at $20 an hour it will be a much needed boost to my income. But what about touristy stuff? Well, I might go up the Sky Tower (seeing as I've taken over9000 photos of it) and I picked up a leaflet from one of my customers today and they do...

Yep, swimming with dolphins. I'm going to ask about it (and maybe try for a discount, because those sandwiches are that good I should get a discount for delivering them to their office) tomorrow when I do my rounds, but I won't commit unless I succeed in gaining a second job, so wish me luck, or don't, it doesn't really make a difference.

Told you it was a quick post. I'm done now so here's the kind of thing I've already uploaded to Instagram, see you there...

City at Night

Yesterday I found out I still have to wait 3-5 days for my rebate to go into my account.

I also had an improved day at work, near doubling my takings from the previous day because nobody wants to buy sandwiches on a Monday.

 That was Tuesday. Tuesnight I wandered about and took pictures with my lil' Nikon of various things, like that Sky Tower and... A church opposite the Sky Tower.

See, a church!

Oooh, shiny.

And that town hall place

I then decided to watch a newly downloaded film,

I was hoping for 'Taken' in Alaska, but it's basically 'Final Destination' in Alaska, except really really tense, with a constant dread hanging over for pretty much the whole 2 hours. Also, after a Canadian told me Neeson punches a wolf, I was expecting a scene where that happens... It turns out it is implied, even if you wait until the end of the credits. Shame, it was the kind of thing the film needed to utilise Neeson's new found badassness!

Today I was at work again and drove a collegue's car, for two minutes. Damn I miss driving, I really want to get a car, but in order to do so I'd need to share a place that had some kind of parking as I'm not parking in Auckland central!

Pictured: The Joker standing with an inner city parking metaphor

So that's something to look into, I'll also need to get a job that offers a few more hours than the current one (or another part time job that makes up the numbers). Of course this is all stuff I'll probably sit and work out this weekend if my rebate doesn't come through. If it does come through I'll probably do something more interesting.