Jokes

Debt? Not funny, unless it's a clown's debt, which isn't all that funny either but those creepy fuckers deserve it.

Your drain may be repossessed if you do not keep up repayments on your mortgage

Honestly, who wants to be a clown. Of all the circus acts that has to be the easiest and therefore least impressive one. Trapeze artists, contortionists, lion tamers all have some level of skill and danger, even juggling chainsaws and babies takes a lot of practice. But clowns do nothing, they just drive around in little cars, wear stupid shoes and put on tonnes of make-up... Clowns are basically women.

Should I buy it a drink? Or throw a custard pie at it?

Last night I went out for a cheeky beer with Tom, Andre and a load of other people. We had a cheeky beer at the Classic Comedy club, where it was $5 entry to sit and watch open mic night!

Open mic night is a gamble, it could be 10 really funny people or 10 not funny people, but the law of averages suggests someone will be funny. Fortunately the god of averages was smiling on us as we saw 9 funny comedians (even the MC was on good form) and one guy that just repeated jokes we'd all read in forwarded emails last year, like the one where "I reversed into another car today, the driver got out and I was a bit shocked to see he was a dwarf, he said "I'm not happy" so I asked "well which one are you then?"" A very few laughs escaped the mouths of a few audience members. He then went on to tell the joke about being on a whiskey diet, "I lost 3 days last week", I hate theives.

Pic related.

Talking of 'hate' there was a guy, on stage at one point that looked like a university lecturer. He stepped onto the stage and immediately I judged him based on his appearance. Bald, with a white beard and a 'jolly' figure. Yes he could have been Santa, if Santa makes people laugh at the idea of murder. He started his set like most comedians, with words, but it all felt a bit weird when he said something about a marketing guy saying "'I'll kill him, I'll kill him' but we never do it do we? Why not?.... Because we're worried we'll get caught. The problem is what to do with the bodies? If you bury them in a sand dune somebody is going to dig it up in ten years..." He would pause and breath heavily through his nose, it was a really good set that I'm not doing justice here.

The other acts consisted of people telling jokes, some funnier than others but all generally good. It was nice to see people giving stand up a go, some were more polished than others, but even the rougher ones had some gems.

After the comedy club the lot of us went to a place called 'The Wine Cellar' on K' road, interesting place with dry cloudy cider on tap and plum liqueur (very nice stuff). On the way we were all in a comedy mood and oddly enough we were all very funny which was in no way beer related. We riffed one liners and came up with a joke that was on the same lines as the 'murdering Santa' comedian. "I'm very much into Facebook. I have lots of people on my list. It always annoys me how the blood from the back of the faces seems to seep through the pages though." Or something, it needs a bit of work, but for a few people walking up Queen Street I'd say we might have got a good joke there.

The night went on, a couple of drinks and some banter at the table before trotting back down town. Then up for work this morning.

Same old sandwich selling and no replies yet from other jobs. Looks like I might be heading back to England soon, which is worrying as there is a lion running around my home county. How did I know about that? Not from Facebook, from one of the comedians last night. It was an odd moment when he said 'anybody watch the news? No? You...fucki... Well, THERE'S A LION ON THE LOOSE! A LION RUNNING AROUND! Not in Auckland, in London or something, but still THERE'S A LION!" He then told a story of a lion that was roaming around New Zealand a couple of years ago and a girl from the crowd said her dad shot that one! It turned out she was there supporting the same comedian but it made me wonder whose dad will shoot the lion roaming around Essex, if indeed it is a lion and not just an Essex girl with bad hair extensions crawling around after a night at Bas Vegas.

On the subject of cows, there was another joke that stuck in my head, kind of, I think I can remember it enough. "When I was a kid I wanted to be a vet. My Mum cottoned onto this and it turned out my uncle was a vet, so one day he took me to a farm to see what it's like to be a vet. Well, he went to the farmer and they looked over at a cow and my uncle went up to it and stuck his hand right up the cow's arse! Right up there!... I didn't want to be a vet after seeing that. I wanted to be the cow"
Goodnight ladies and gents!